“Are you pure?” asked the guy who came to see Thanalakshmi for marriage. Unable to get the gist of his question, Thanalakshmi pressed on, “Pure? What do you mean by that?” “Pure as in untouched?” he clarified. Thanalakshmi now understood what he wanted to ask and retorted back at him, “Ninggeh yenna kalyanam panna ponnu theduringgela illeh a brand new, untouched object eh vaangge vanthurikinggela,” agitated by such a question. He was shocked at such a reply, but before he could say anything. the educated, career woman Thanalakshmi continued, “Well you can say if there was an exam about ‘purity’ I wouldn’t top it!” His family and he left after a pudi pudikeraning session of pisang goreng, kesari and masala tea at the expense of Thanalakshmi’s salary.
The next day he rang up Thanalakshmi’s dad and told him that he cannot marry Thanalakshmi as she is a girl with low morals. Bang on! Welcome to the progressive Indian community where we claim to be modern people but still make virginity a base to check a girl’s morals or her capability to become a good wife.
Today, we claim that women have an equal status in the society with that of men, but some of us are still under the orthodox views of using a white bed sheet on the first night of marriage just to check the bride’s virginity!!! The guy may himself have slept with number of girls but he wants a “pure”, “untouched” girl as a wife. Why?
Answer – it is just to satisfy his male ego that the girl he is going to spend his life with has been and will be only his“possession” as well as his performance anxiety; he does not want an ‘experienced’ wife. If today a girl loses her virginity with a guy she loves truly but the guy turns out to be a cheat then she is tagged as a “slut”, “vandi”, “characterless girl.” MIND YOU these being the most decent words I can pen down ,else there are a million more worse words in our mother tongue’s vocabulary.
I ask what is the mistake of the girl? She loved a guy? She slept with someone she thought she would marry? Or, she now has lost her purity which would satisfy her to-be husband’s male ego and make him believe that she is fit to be his wife! And, again no answers I could come up with!
I absolutely support the fact that we Tamils/Indians should not give up on our morals and accept everything that westernization extends to us but I wonder how can a biological wall in the girl’s body by breaking decide the level of her morals?
I mean Thanalakshmi could have been a great wife; she was marrying the guy her parents chose – maybe she had a relationship with another guy in the past and even slept with him, thinking that he will marry her until she discovered all he had for her was lust, not love. But, all that were not a matter to weigh and consider at all – all that matters is whether she is ‘pure’ in the aforementioned lexicon, that is, in the mind, not in the freaking fragile membrane between her legs.
And I am forced to wonder that what would happen to those rape victims? Who would marry those girls?
More often than not, a girl from a sports background,has always been told by those orthodox distant relatives to quit it. Why? It is because physical exertion may result in the breakage of the hymen, in other words in Tamil, Kanni thanni. Some people discourage girls from using tampons too as it might rupture or stretch the membrane. Aiyo, so much fuss over a tiny body part!!
Yes, I am also a girl, a Tamil girl, who values her morals, for whom her dignity is priceless, who has always dreamed of her Prince Charming coming to sweep her off her feet and who has always planned her wedding sari and reception dress! But, I am also a girl who belongs to the globalized world, interacts with the opposite sex, loves, has break ups, overcomes them and smiles again and no one has a right to tag me any thing for that reason!
I just request Tamil/Indian guys out there that the next time you go looking for a girl for marriage, search for a true heart and not something like a car in mint condition, because she ‘s gonna be your life partner, not your ride of pride. She’s a woman, not a second hand car.
When you look at a beautiful girl coming behind you, wearing the thali you tied around her neck, her metti, tinkling, looking at the Arundhati Vashista nakshatram with you, dressed in a lovely red wedding sari, leaving her parents, siblings, pet dog, friends, the comforts of her own room, her ideals, her likes and basically the world as she knows it behind, to become a part of your family, to share a bedroom with you, to bear you your kids, grow old with you and ultimately share her life, her whole life ahead of her with you, accept her the way she is, make her life a bed of roses rather than testing her virginity or purity by making her lay down on a bed with white bed sheet to consummate the wedding because true love will make your marriage successful – her “purity” and “the moral wall” won’t.
15 Comments
gurudev
aradhana i dunno wats ur age is… bt after reading ol of ur post an stories….. u r so gud n with high sense of humor…. keep it up…. if there is another few mor indian like u… our community will be much mor greater… 🙂
Aradhana
Thank you brother 🙂
Mathan
I’m not sure whether @gurudev giving compliment or making fun of you. That’s other story.
The story I not sure is this line “I ask what is the mistake of the girl? She loved a guy? She slept with someone she thought she would marry? ”
? So will continue sleep with who over said will love / marry her?
– After marriage I hope she don’t sleep with other if husband didn’t show love.
Aradhana
Mathan, I can turn the tables. Why are you not criticizing the guy who cheated on her? Why are you siding the potential cheaters waiting to pounce on her? Oh wait, coz you are male right; you are untouchable right. Why are you judging her character? What about the character of the guy who bedded then leave her? What if her husband commit adultery? Those men are pardonable and this girl is not. You are seeing this in gender based lens. I’m seeing it on conduct based lens and where conduct is concerned, gender becomes immaterial.
Mathan
I don’t judge anyone’s character, I don’t have the right to do so to judge anyone other than my self. Also who wrong who right, for ME its insoluble. If girls don’t give space, do you think guys will have the any opportunity? If you side on girls, then how about guys? All guys looking for glory holes?
For those who married, I don’t think owner look for second hand part if first part is doing well. This stories will go on and on.
Simple : my question is will she?
Aradhana
You are judgmental. OUTRIGHT JUDGMENTAL. If girls don’t give space, do I think guys will have any opportunity? Your logic is so flawed my friend. Like you asked, are all guys looking for glory holes? I say no. But, let me ask you, who is more sexually vigorous, aggressive and demanding? Male or female? Males right? Males coax and cajole females into sex; it is not otherwise. In the animal kingdom, males have fancy plumes or attractive fur that they display when they want to woo females. In human males, there are sweet talk, emotional blackmail, prove your love, lavishing girls with gifts, etc, etc . Some girls fall for it, some don’t! So, your question is illogical in itself. If girls don’t give space, do I think guys have any opportunity? Have you ever heard of RAPE or DATE RAPE for that matter? I am siding conduct, not gender. I seem to side girls because all the shame is put on her for losing virginity before marriage while the guy is left off the hook. This is the inequality that I am addressing. If you want a virgin wife, don’t have sex before marriage guys. If no guy touches another girl before marriage, both of them will be pure. On the same wavelength, if guys touch other girls before marriage then both are impure. In the latter case, the girls take all the aspersions, the guy, exonerated. The ‘girl’ character I mentioned in this post is a fictional one. And, owner? Who owns the girl? Her husband? He should be her better half that complements her. She’s not a cow to be owned. If she is indeed regarded as a cow, beaten and raped by her owner, the cow will try to escape and find greener pastures. If she’s a woman and she finds out that her husband is impotent, she could either do what Padma Priya did in the film Sattham Podathey, provided her impotent husband is abusive and hates his adopted child. Sex matters less for girls than guys so if the impotent husband is loving, caring and loves his wife and adopted child, surely she’ll stay married and faithful to him. And, I suggest you read up polygamy. This is now way too digressive.
Mathan
“You are judgmental”, well I’ll take that as a compliment and thanks.
Which logic make you think it’s flawed my dear friend? Indeed I’ll keep my decision that no way a girl can lose purity without her will? Not all guys looking for glory hole? “Some” girl fall for it? I don’t think we following western culture and we INDIANS! know what is culture. Our ancestor thought us well about culture how to be and how not to be! I use to heard (“HEARD”!) that Tamil girl is not easy to be woo without her parent acknowledge or both parties parent meet and set up marriage AND then on the 1st night it’s all happen. But now, I don’t think so. Show love or promise, that’s it (for some). Is it parental problem? friend’s influence? self? Why want to argue till animal kingdom? Rape? tell me the cases Malaysia Indian committed. I can see your so call siding conduct not gender. I want to type more and have good conversation, but ………………………………………….
Not to forget, let me rephrase what I meant ” I don’t think owner (husband) will look for second hand part (mistress) if first part (wife) is doing well. And impotent? IMPOTENT?? Trust me WE MEN are working hard to satisfy our girlfriend/wife so they will happy. Women sacrifices many things for us and we men also trying to do the same thing to make family/ surrounding happy. I can say from looking at my dad, married friend and so on. Don’t take everything negative and miss fire everywhere. Keep to the question. And from where this legendary Ms. Padma Priya came from? It’s a movie (movie movie movie) *I am laughing while typing -__-)
Aradhana
Owner? A husband owns his wife? That logic is the one I find grossly flawed. You think women should be owned by their husbands? Seriously? So, can we resume sati then? Let women burn on their husbands’ funeral pyre. Let’s regress. When I talked about rape, I meant it in a rounded way like you saying that not all men are sex maniacs. Two Indian rape cases here – Audrey Melissa who was gang raped then murdered and a pregnant Indian woman who killed her rapist. Please define purity in girls. If a guy touches a girl’s pinky finger accidentally, does that mean that the girl is now impure? How about guys’ purity? Don’t they have any? Haha, you contradict your own statement. You say men work hard to satisfy your girlfriend and wives (thanks for giving women some recognition albeit it leaves much to be desired) and you see that in your dad and married friends and so on then say that you don’t think owner will look for second part if first part works well. Why don’t you ask the owner of your mother this? He will definitely give you the answer. As for the movie, it is a true story, like the movie Provoked. Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. I am not taking anything negative here; I’m just stating facts your male ego refuses to accept. As for me, I will love my husband who is a good person even if he is impotent; character matters more than libido for me.
Common Man
I got face this before. One of my friend asking me do i will marry a girl who her virginity has been taken by other guy. I say i will. Everyone does mistake and its not on girls fault. Surely i will marry if the girl loses her virginity. I want to make this girl walk with pride infront of others and shower my pure love on her. And this is not to just a word, but its an promise 🙂
Aradhana
Kudos brother. 😛
TroyKash
We are all individuals living specific unique lives designed by God, there is no point pondering over virginity here. If she or he is a person who would care and support u till old, who the hell cares about virginity.STD however is something we all should worry about 🙂 cheers!
Jesadimai PangiRaj
I don’t consider virginity to be a big deal but when a lot of girls..especially Tamil girls character assassinate men for making adult jokes or watching porn, I find it hard to pity such girls when they get a taste of their own medicine. I have seen the worst kind of hypocrites among Tamil girls. Thirututhanama, these self proclaimed bastions of morality watch porn and do everything.
People say that girls in Mumbai and Delhi are ‘promiscuous’ but the truth is that a Tamil girl will do much more but shroud it in hypocrisy.
If a virgin guy asks for a virgin wife, it is ok. At least he is not a hypocrite. However, a non-virgin man demanding a virgin is bad. I believe both husband and wife should be open to each other about past relationships and whether they had sex. Trust me on this, even the most open minded man won’t marry you if you have STDs. Condoms can help to an extent but don’t offer full protection.
Vinayagam Sivabalan
I am not here agree/disagree.
But the fact that virginity is for both male and female must be understood by everyone. If someone cant stay virgin at least till they get married, then that shows their incapability to control their lust.
What is to say that they wont do it(affair) after marriage. Of course, they can repent and any sincere apologies should be accepted. But, virginity seems to be simplest sign that you can stay within the limits.
Talking about rape is totally a different case. The victims are forced in such an act. Horrible.
Skipping that, “true love will make your marriage successful”, is not something a person has the right to tell, after breaking their parents’, future spouse’s, society’s trust.
Velmurugan
Aradhana, kudos for writing this article. Tamils have always allowed freedom for women from sangam ages. There were strong references to dating and sex between two individuals who were in love. Once again we have to start re-writing and catch on to our identity as Tamils rather than fall under the bigger umbrella of Indians , as not all Indians are as cultured as tamizh makkal.
Saravanan
Aradhana:
Your views on what the supposedly Thanalakshmi faced and endured looks like a weak defence from an embattled onlooker and rather somewhat from someone who have predictably endured similar circumstances. Let me also make it clear that whatever views that I am going to pen apply for both men and the ladies.
Going by the argument that this heroine of yours was “truly” in love but naive enough to share the bed is a very weak and lame argument. That is not love my dear, it is sex, and you don’t have to glorify it as the forlorn lady being taken for a ride. Call it ignorance and stupidity. Men are hypocrites and vultures (not all of them) and if a girl gets hoodwinked because of her sheer ignorance and her desire “to go for it” and go on to blame the whole world except herself, then I will gladly tell “she deserves it”. What irks me is the cheek you have to talk about culture. Quite frankly, do you know what it means? Again yes, men are bad when they cheat but who carries the burden or is at the receiving end or you want to blame the Creator that women got a raw deal.
I have no problem in acknowledging that marrying a virgin girl need not necessarily mean a blissful married life and conversely that a lady who has “lost it” would not make a good wife. We all learn through mistakes but that is not the crux of your argument but surely it should not start there. With the proximity in both the classroom and at work and at social circles, and what more with the mostly perverse media that slams us day in day out, it is possibly difficult for many of our youths to rein in their desires. All I am saying is call a spade a spade, instead of confusing sex with love in your head.
Honestly, I will have no problem in telling my son to marry a rape victim if he loves her, and certainly not out of pity. What may have happened to her is aghast and I will respect her as if nothing happened. So my dear, it is not about “purity” but how a girl believes in herself and the self-respect she must have instead of throwing her hands up and letting her skirt slip. Matha, pitha, guru, deivam. You see the order how our tradition had honoured our womenfolk. Of course, writing as you did, I can hardly see you as the role model in upholding our “culture” which you seem to want to keep close to your heart.